Resolutions From the ER

No one likes hearing an alarm- an alarm clock, a tornado or a fire alarm. How about if that alarm is coming from inside your body, it’s your pacemaker device and you are standing in the middle of a pasture by yourself? That was what recently happened to my husband, Calvin. We didn’t even know the device could give an alarm. It sounded like one of those European police car sirens, too-doo too-doo too-doo.

Of course we immediately headed to the emergency room and prayed the device would not quit on the way for he is 100% dependent on it.

At some point I could hear Karen Carpenter’s smooth voice singing in my mind, “What are you doin’ New Years, New Year’s Eve?” Me? Oh, I’m just hanging out in the ER with my husband for the evening. Glad I didn’t make any fancy appetizers for the party we ditched!

The pacemaker technician arrived, gave us a big hug and then the bad news. “You are heading to the KU Medical Center for surgery (KC, KS). Your defibrillator wire is fractured, it is fortunate it didn’t start shocking you over and over again.” OK, KSU fans. The bad news was NOT that he was heading to a facility with KU in the title, it was the surgery part for Pete’s sake!

We were so thankful that the pacemaker wires did not fracture at the same time. We were also very grateful that the Doctor at KU Med who did Calvin’s last surgery and was most familiar with his unusual heart configuration was on call. He spent much time preparing for Calvin’s surgery which was two days later. He gathered possible lead wires to try when replacing the wires and also set up the location to be ready for any emergency that may happen. Calvin’s last surgery there gave reason for this thorough planning.

Waiting for surgery isn’t fun, but the two days of waiting gave us the opportunity to spend time with our children, their spouses and the grandchildren. It sounds as if we conjured this all up just to get more time with the kids! We promise that we didn’t, but the family time was the silver lining of the whole deal. It was the perfect distraction.

The surgery day was challenging from the moment my eyes popped open at 4:30 in the morning. What would today hold? It wasn’t possible for any of us to know what the outcome would be. But we did (and do) know that Calvin was in God’s hands and he was at peace. Before Calvin left his hospital room the pastors led us in prayer for God’s blessing, peace and hope and then we settled down in the waiting room to…well, to wait.

 

After a very long afternoon a nurse came to tell us they had been able to extract all wires and the device successfully. The tightness in the air was noticeably relieved and there was more chatter and movement as we celebrated at least this milestone- as that was the point of emergency in the last surgery. Another two hours later, the doctor came out with a big smile and two thumbs up. He had been able, with much effort, to reinsert the new device and new heavier, farmer weight wires, getting them to do the turns and loops necessary to fit Calvin’s heart configuration and then implant where needed. Bravo doctor and thank You, Lord!

For those of you that are new to our tale, suffice it to say that God has extended Calvin’s life several times, given him a glimpse of heaven and he has had four new devices in the last 8 years. You can read more about it if – no when I finish writing our book about it! Life with this dear man has certainly been an adventure and God has been kind. We seek to know what God’s purposes are for us at this season of our lives after these experiences.

Calvin is healing well since he didn’t need open heart surgery. My bigger concern now is that he will be tempted to go outside and work doing things he shouldn’t do, forgetting the physical restrictions after the procedure. He’s promised to be good even when I’m back at school and out of sight.

The healing is taking place bit by bit each day in Calvin’s heart as long as he is adhering to the doctor’s advice and obeying the restrictions he’s been given. The first day I went back to work I called to make sure all was ok and found him back out in the pasture by the fence he was fixing when all of this happened. My heart sunk and we had a real “heart to heart” talk as he returned to the house and waited for friends to come help him tug on those wires so the cows don’t get out.

The need for Calvin’s heart to heal wasn’t a surprise to me, but the need for my heart to heal came a bit more unexpectedly. One week after the surgery, I woke up to have my devotions before heading to my teaching job at school. I was agitated and sullen. Last week I wondered if I would be a widow. Why did I have to go to work today? What difference do I make? Why do I have to go through these types of circumstances anyway? Everyone tells me that I should be thankful, and I am, but I’m also tired and discouraged.

Putting the pen to the paper in my journal I told the Lord, “Lord, I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I’m kind of mad at You right now.” His gentle voice flowed by the Spirit through the pen and onto the paper.

    “My child, as I was with you during the surgery I am walking with you through today. Trust Me that there are bigger circumstances at hand and there is a purpose for good that can come from anything that touches your life as you walk with Me. Breath deeply and know that just as that air fills the space within you, so my Spirit fills the space of need that is also within your heart. Seek Me and My resources when you are pressed by circumstances, do not rely on your own resources- for as you see, they are not adequate. I made you to have limits so that you would find Me when you hit those limits. I have no limits and am open and available to you when you turn to Me at times like these. In that way, the events that bring you to the end of yourself are a gift. Seek the support of a few friends that will also hold your hands through today. Call them to pray over you. I know you are tired. Rest and trust Me to provide for you.”

That day passed, with a few tears that helped release the physical and emotional fatigue of crisis. So, what are my resolutions from the emergency room? To be kinder to myself and to others. I know those aren’t SMART goals, not specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time sensitive, so after praying and asking God how to move forward from here I wrote down these gentle goals:

1. Drink 6-8 glasses of water each day (and take the time to go to the bathroom between classes)
2. Walk for 15-30 minutes 5 times a week (I know this is wimpy, but it is a start)
3. To allow myself an evening (2-3 hours) to produce a piece of “grief/healing” artwork, made to express the emotions of the heart (I’ll let you know how that goes)
4. Write a chapter in our book
5. Ask people I visit with one deeper, more personal question to get to know them better, to hear their heart

How about you? Do you have any gentle goals for the year? If so, share them, I’d love to hear! If not, perhaps you could ask the Lord if there are things He may like you to focus on for awhile. He’s not wanting self-improvement, He’s wanting Spirit transformation. Pray and then journal for awhile. See what He may place on your heart and mind. Blessings on your 2017!

Photo credit for several of these pictures goes to Bethanie Achenbach.